Balance

I have to balance my last blog with something less abrasive. I do not intend for this to be my political platform. This is simply my space for my thoughts and emotions.

Everyday I think of my sister, Daniella, but it still is a lot to wrap my arms around and accept. So I sometimes escape and pretend I simply need to call her and then pretend to be putting it off another day. This helps. It puts me in denial because I think she is at work, or at home with her pets, or at the lake. Truth is, she's in a dark box with her Prada bag at her side. Truth is, she is probably right here, reading this, maybe sitting next to me and hugging me.

I am not at peace with my Sister being gone. I wish it had been me. She had more to live for. It's just not fair and I wish God would make my purpose known. I obviously am not good at figuring it out. Can't You just be clear on what You want from me?

Thoughts of my sister make me think of others who have gone or may be ill, or I may reminisce on the past randomly. Lately, I've been thinking a lot about my friend's Dad. He's had diabetes for quite some time, but he has not been taking care of himself at all. He is now on dialysis and I hear he needs to have one leg and some toes removed. Because his circulation is bad, it can't be done, or else the wounds won't heal. If it's not done, he can get a deadly infection.

It just saddens me to hear L tell me all this. She knows her Dad is now on borrowed time. I miss being a kid. I miss seeing her Dad J, tall, slim, with his handlebar moustache, holding a beer and wearing a smile. I remember him asking me anything at all and seeing him smile, visibly ready to ask another question or crack a joke. I remember the Farah poster he had on the door to storage in back of the house. She says he's always angry now and doesn't want to see anyone. I know that when she calls me to break the news, I will rush home and be at her side. L is like a sister to me. I will be one of her few friends who will be able to to make her laugh after his funeral as we reminisce about J and his antics.

My emotions are more in balance now, no longer angry and fired up. I am mournful and melancholy, but these are emotions that I know well how to reign.