The past week has been hell.
I lost Sammy last Thursday, April 14. It went too fast, and we're never prepared for death.
On Tuesday the 12th I woke up and Sammy was very weak and lethargic. I called the vet's office at 7:30 am and told them I was dropping him off for immediate treatment and observation and made an appointment for that evening, since the vets did not arrive until 11 a.m. and I'd gotten only about 3 hours of sleep.
That afternoon, I was told that Sammy was very sick and dehydrated, and his RBC's were very low. Sammy was kept overnight for tests, treatment, and observation. I spoke to two vets between Tuesday and Wednesday. He either had an enlarged heart or a mass near his heart and he had anemia. They wanted to test more to find out about the mass, but I declined and asked to take him home with medicines. I took him home on Wednesday evening. He ate very little, and remained very weak. The next morning I gave him an IV and he briefly seemed to bounce back and hop around, but he refused to eat anymore. I tried force feeding, but he clamped his mouth shut and the food came right back out of his mouth. The fluids from the IV accumulated under his skin and he was so cold, no matter how much I bundled him.
Thursday afternoon, I placed Sammy on my chest, gently positioning his body. I then covered him in a fleece jacket and held him tight, petting his head the way he liked. I felt his little heart beat against mine, and he looked at me with so much love and trust - a moment I will never forget. I told Sammy that I love him and I need him to try because I wasn't ready to lose him. I would do anything to make him better.
I tried approximately 4 more times to feed him. I gave him medicine. I held him. I know he was trying because he would get up - but just for a moment and then had to lie down. He was so weak he tipped over on his side and I had to lie him on his belly and positioned his paws and front legs. I thought maybe if I put him in his cage, he'll go potty (because he hadn't, and I thought he was holding it for me) and maybe eat. I also needed to lie down; I was so tired. I still feel horrible that I left him in his cage for 4 hours. Finally, around 8 or 9 pm, I wrapped him in my fleece jacket again and put him in bed with me under the covers.
I realized Sammy had been trying for me, but his little body wasn't able to stand, let alone hop around. I told him that I love him and it's okay to go. I told him about Daniella, and how happy she would be to meet and hold him, and I told him about the bunnies before him: Gunny, LaLa, LuLu, and Stu, and how he will meet them, too, and play with them until I came Home and all of them will be in my arms again. I told Sammy what a good baby he was, and thanked him for being an important part of my life and I will never, never forget him.
Around 10:30, he began going into spasms. The moment had arrived. I called my parents and my friends Doris and Harlowe and asked them to pray for Sammy and for God to take him quickly. I then laid my hands on Sammy and prayed for him, and gently spoke to him, encouraging him to go. The spasms subsided and his breathing became slower and slower. My baby left as I spoke to him...
I wrapped him like a baby in a towel that I'd had him wrapped in before. I gently placed him in his pink and black carrier, which I placed on top of his cage, and went to bed in tears.
I don't remember much about the next day, or that entire weekend. I do remember taking him to the vet's office the next day to drop him off for cremation. I was given a few minutes alone with him before they took him. I took him out of his carrier; I had wrapped him in a towel like a baby the night before. I held him and was relieved he did not have rigor mortis. His eyes were open and not glazed over. He looked alive. I held him and prayed for him. I held him and cried. I sat in that room with him in my arms, petting his head the way he had liked, kissing his cheek. Even though he was dead, he was with me, and I did not want to let him go. I said my goodbye and left the vet's office, devastated.
It's been a tough week. Going to bed is tough because he used to sleep with me, and we had a system. I let him hop around the bed for about 15 minutes to half an hour. When I sat in bed, he sat next to my pillow and waited. As soon as I lay down, he put his paws and head on my shoulder so I could pet him, and when he was ready, he burrowed his head under the covers. That was my cue to lift the covers, where he lay next to me so I could pet him more until we both fell asleep.
I love you, Sammy. Another piece of my heart is gone, and you took a large piece. I can't wait to hold and kiss you again. I know you're in Heaven and now you're my angel - you and Daniella both.
