Endings

After speaking to my counselor, I started thinking about JT and my previous post. I had told her about my rage and how I wanted to just end the friendship. She told me, "Why? It seems he cares for you, and I don't think he tried to hurt you, he just doesn't know any other way."

I thought about this all the way home and discovered something ugly about myself. I am selfish, self-centered, and made this whole thing about ME. Not once did I think about how my giving up on him must have hurt, not to mention my scathing words when I was angry. Looking back, I have always waited for others to fail me in what they promise or vow to me, and I think I may subconsciously do or say things to sabotage my relationships.

I can only think that the roots of my "failure guaranteed" mentality stems from this: In 6th Grade I asked my Dad if I could join Band and play the clarinet. His response was, "I'm going to get you that clarinet, but stick with it. I don't want to put this money into it, and then you end up quitting." I got the clarinet, but I only played that year.

I've always wondered and have asked myself, exactly how much can an eleven year-old try to do and quit to have received that response? It has always been in the back of my mind. As a forty year old woman, however, I can list numerous goals left unaccomplished.

So I apologized to JT for all the mean things I said, for my selfishness, and even for the things that I failed on as well. It's a two-way street, afterall. I don't know what the future holds, but I do know that I am not going to wait on him and hope we end up together. I love JT, and I want him in my life as my friend. More than anything, I hope and pray his circumstances improve. I know he's trying, and I will remain by his side and encourage him.

As if coming to terms that something I wanted had to end, someone it had ended with already abruptly came in from left field - and it was most unwelcomed.

"Eric" (not his real name) and I met in 2009 and dated very briefly - about four months. I really liked him a lot, but quite frankly was horribly confused by his words. It seemed he wanted more, but would pull back and remind me we were friends. Ultimately, just when we were getting closer, a failed intimate encounter put everything to a screeching halt. No, I wasn't a bitch about it. Gravity was his enemy and when I tried to smooth it over the next day by telling him that I liked just being with him, he lashed out and told me I had invaded his space for the night, he had been unable to sleep, and was very uncomfortable. Ouch!  I didn't talk to him after that.

Fast forward four months. I got an email from "Eric" and we talked on the phone for a few minutes. Over the next few weeks, we were able to get past what had gone down (no pun intended) and work on our friendship again. At first, everything was really good. I was able to talk to him and he was a source of comfort when I had breakdowns over my sister. We talked politics, about our families, and we prayed together. He went with me to see my Neurologist and he helped me with various things I needed to do, or places I needed to go. He was there when I was involved in the accident I was in that I describe in my post entitled, "Zemblanity".

Yes, I was in love with him, or so I thought. Looking back, I believe I had mistaken my gratitude for love.

It again came to an abrupt end very shortly after JT had contacted me, but the two were unrelated. My circumstances had changed completely in the previous months, and I became bored with my life. Even times with Eric seemed to always be the same. He liked going out in the evenings, and we only went to about four different places. Having gone through a bad marriage and divorce years ago, he was emotionally scarred and seemed to have fears that I just didn't get. His thoughts seemed unconventional. For example, he constantly hounded me about not wearing lotions and perfumes in order to avoid toxins from entering my pores. He removed a single strand of small seashells hanging from my rear view mirror because it would "obstruct" my view. We never went down to San Diego because he feared the hazard of driving on the freeway. He was excruciatingly fearful and his safety precautions were borderline paranoia.

By this time we'd been dating for about 7 months and it seemed like things were well. Deep down, however, I was bored, but pushed it aside and blamed myself for it. I WAS SETTLING. Well, one night as he's driving me home, he tells me the story of a song (hell if I can remember the title or artist) about a man who needs to tell a woman that he's been dating that he sees no future for them. Blah, blah, blah. It wasn't hard to put together. I asked him if he felt that way, why he'd bothered to say "I love you to me". His response was that he loves all his friends. I don't think he was quite expecting so much dialogue about it, and what the jist of the conversation was that he had become "disenchanted" with me, bored (that made two of us), and he did not want to enter a relationship, as it would take his time from his parents, kids, (ALL of whom were out of state) and future grandchildren.

But - - he thought we should remain intimate!! Are you fucking kidding me?? I think I saw him about four more times and I made it very clear the intimacy was over. The very last time I saw him, he essentially verbally castrated himself, telling me he did not have a need for sex. That was the last straw. Not only was I no longer moved to indulge in carnal activity with him, I felt some disgust at his words.

My assessment of him is that he has a Savior Complex, trying to fix others and refusing to see what is wrong with him, which leads me to Narcissism, as he does not acknowledge any wrong that he says or does. He is a kind man, but beneath that is someone who has been damaged to the point of being emotionally unavailable. Damaged to the point that he has psychologically castrated himself.

Back to the recent contact I received from "Eric". He had read my last post about JT and made some assumptions and condescending remarks. Reading his email, it was very obvious he was attempting to incite a reaction. I responded with sharp words telling Eric that he'd made assumptions based only on scraps of information I gave on my blog. I gave him my assessment of him, and told him that while I cannot stop him from reading my blog, he is not to contact me any further. His response? He was trying to joke with me and I had responded negatively. No apology, of course. Narcissistic, judgmental, passive agressive, and out of my life.

Does my previous post look like something to joke about? If we have not communicated with one another in eight months, isn't it clear we're not friends?
If you're reading this, "Eric", for clarification, we are no longer friends.

Goodnight. Medusa out!